New day

Well, I know it's been a while since I've last posted and some of you are beginning to worry about me due to the last blog topic. Things haven't changed much--Todd's still at his parents and Soze and I are here at home. I have talked to Todd a few times and we even met for lunch yesterday to discuss "us". However, at this time, we are still moving forward with our separation. I know it is the best thing for me. We both made our own decisions and must live the consequences. Yes, I've had my good days and bad days. My emotions are definitely are on the rollercoaster path--up one day, down the next. Even though this is my blog and I can say whatever I want, I will say that I am trying my best to edit myself. I don't want Todd to be hurt by something I might say. Yes, I know, I am being nice. That's me! That's also the reason my blogs may be a little cryptic--I'm trying to say what I need to say without hurting anyone in the process.

On to a better topic--I went with some other teachers to see "Twilight" on Friday afternoon. Since I have read the book, or more appropriately, been obsessed with the book, I thought it was really good. Every time Edward was on the screen, my heart pitter-pattered in harmony with his stone heart. Even Jacob, whom I didn't really care for that much in the books, was FINE!! I am curious to see how his character is played in future movies. I will definitely be owning this movie, maybe not for the Oscar-winning performances, but for the eye candy!

Like my friend Kodi, I cannot believe Thanksgiving is here already! We go to school two days this week, then I am off to Springfield to spend some much-needed time with my mom. While I am down there, I am also having a homemade Thanksgiving at Kodi's house. Kodi, I am ready for that Paula Deen apple pie!

**Note: Soze does NOT like me on the computer right now. She is trying her hardest to get me to get out of the chair. She has even tried climbing in my lap for attention! She has de-gutted a mouse toy and wants to me to throw it in the air so she can catch it. Since she's old, her energy level never last very long--a few throws and she's done. I think she knows something is up and will not let me out of her sight. If I'm in the office, she's in the office. If I'm sitting on the couch, she's laying beside me on the couch. I love her for it!!!

I haven't taken pictures of much lately, so I'll close by saying that I plan on having pictures for my next blog after Thanksgiving.

Change...again

Do you remember me saying back in January that my new word for this year would be "change"? Well, my life is changing again. On Saturday, my world was turned upside down, and yesterday it was flipped inside out. There is just no easy way to say this, so I am just going to bite the big one and say it: Todd and I are getting a divorce. Divorce. This word is one that I never thought would enter my own vocabulary, yet here I am. I have no idea what I am going to do next. Will I be able to afford our brand new house? Will I move back to Springfield? I have no earthly idea. I told Todd I was not going to badmouth him all over town, and I guess that includes on here too. We both know what happened and there is nothing that can be done to take it back now.

Right now I am more saddened than anything. Not at me really, but at this whole situation. I know what I will be missing out on as a divorced woman. I'll miss having someone to go out to eat, go to a football game, watch movies, and when I think of all of the scrapbooks filled with memories, it saddens me even more. Todd was my best friend--not just my husband but my best friend. He was someone I could tell anything and everything to. What the hell happened? Whatever it was is gone. How did my life become this...this what I don't know. I'm sorry if it looks like I'm rambling. I probably am just to get all of this out there.

I have only cried twice really over this mess, which is very unusual for me. I am a crier. I cried once last night for about two minutes, letting myself dwell in the moment, then I was done. Then I cried this morning when I told my friend Lindsey at school. She couldn't believe that I was even at school today. I knew if I sat at home, I would think of nothing else all day long. At least at school, my kiddos take my mind off of the "real world".

I also slept pretty well last night, suprisingly. I didn't think I would, but maybe that's a sign that this is going to be okay. I will be fine. I will make it through whatever God has in store for me. Let me end by saying thank you for allowing me to get this off of my chest and out of my mind at least for the moment. It won't last forever, and I know that. I am not bitter. I am not hateful. I am just saddened and ready to move on with my life.

ETA: Okay, I lied. I think the shock is b.e.g.i.n.n.i.n.g. to wear off of what has become my life, and it is affecting me more than I knew. I just think that the finality of my decision to divorce is hitting me, not that our marriage hadn't already ended. It had. I have been so hurt, and maybe I was oblivious to what was happening right in front of me, but I do know I don't deserve this. Damn it! I don't deserve this!! What makes us do the things we do? While I can't answer that for Todd, I can answer part of it for me. I am doing this for myself. I will not live the rest of my life and marriage always wondering "what's going on?". I will not do that to myself. I am a much stronger and independent woman than I was when I married Todd at 20. I respect myself too much and I know I will learn so much more about myself as I go through this process. I am learning already that it will be a process. This is not something that I can flip on/off like a switch. My marriage is over. I am moving on for myself, not for anyone else.

One year ago...

On this date, one year ago, my life changed. My dad left this world to be with his Heavenly Father. This news bit me today as I was walking out of the school building. I hadn't even thought of today's date because I was at school all day long in a pull-out session for grading our common assessment. When I walked outside, I checked my watch and noticed the date read "6". November 6th...why does this date sound familiar? Then it hit me--my dad has been dead for a year. A YEAR?!? I still can't believe it has been this long, and I have done no scrapbooking yet about this event. I just can't bring myself to do it. I know I made my brother one for Christmas, but it was a gift to him. For some reason, I don't want to make one for me. I mean I do, I just don't want to. Does that make sense? I know the pictures are downstairs waiting for me, and I know I will do it eventually, but.... Needless to say, since I haven't scrapbooked this "stuff" yet, I have also put on hold any events that have taken place since then--no Thanksgiving of last year, Christmas, my birthday, whatever. To close, I'll add a picture of my dad that always makes me laugh. I know he's up in Heaven, fishing with Angie (my sister). Here's to you, Dad!