Do you remember me saying back in January that my new word for this year would be "change"? Well, my life is changing again. On Saturday, my world was turned upside down, and yesterday it was flipped inside out. There is just no easy way to say this, so I am just going to bite the big one and say it: Todd and I are getting a divorce. Divorce. This word is one that I never thought would enter my own vocabulary, yet here I am. I have no idea what I am going to do next. Will I be able to afford our brand new house? Will I move back to Springfield? I have no earthly idea. I told Todd I was not going to badmouth him all over town, and I guess that includes on here too. We both know what happened and there is nothing that can be done to take it back now.
Right now I am more saddened than anything. Not at me really, but at this whole situation. I know what I will be missing out on as a divorced woman. I'll miss having someone to go out to eat, go to a football game, watch movies, and when I think of all of the scrapbooks filled with memories, it saddens me even more. Todd was my best friend--not just my husband but my best friend. He was someone I could tell anything and everything to. What the hell happened? Whatever it was is gone. How did my life become this...this what I don't know. I'm sorry if it looks like I'm rambling. I probably am just to get all of this out there.
I have only cried twice really over this mess, which is very unusual for me. I am a crier. I cried once last night for about two minutes, letting myself dwell in the moment, then I was done. Then I cried this morning when I told my friend Lindsey at school. She couldn't believe that I was even at school today. I knew if I sat at home, I would think of nothing else all day long. At least at school, my kiddos take my mind off of the "real world".
I also slept pretty well last night, suprisingly. I didn't think I would, but maybe that's a sign that this is going to be okay. I will be fine. I will make it through whatever God has in store for me. Let me end by saying thank you for allowing me to get this off of my chest and out of my mind at least for the moment. It won't last forever, and I know that. I am not bitter. I am not hateful. I am just saddened and ready to move on with my life.
ETA: Okay, I lied. I think the shock is b.e.g.i.n.n.i.n.g. to wear off of what has become my life, and it is affecting me more than I knew. I just think that the finality of my decision to divorce is hitting me, not that our marriage hadn't already ended. It had. I have been so hurt, and maybe I was oblivious to what was happening right in front of me, but I do know I don't deserve this. Damn it! I don't deserve this!! What makes us do the things we do? While I can't answer that for Todd, I can answer part of it for me. I am doing this for myself. I will not live the rest of my life and marriage always wondering "what's going on?". I will not do that to myself. I am a much stronger and independent woman than I was when I married Todd at 20. I respect myself too much and I know I will learn so much more about myself as I go through this process. I am learning already that it will be a process. This is not something that I can flip on/off like a switch. My marriage is over. I am moving on for myself, not for anyone else.
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6 comments:
Wow. I was surprised to see this on here so quickly. You must be doing better than I thought. Call me when you feel up to talking, okay. I don't want to call you for fear it wouldn't be a good time. Love you lady!
I am thinking about you dear. I am sorry to hear about this, I know it can't be easy and I'll say a prayer for you.
It was weird to read your updated blog this morning. My mom said last night that you were still in shock...that's why you appeared so calm. Mom told me to tell you that she is thinking of you and is sooooooo sorry. She was blown out of the water when I told her. She says she has a lot of info. that can be helpful to you since she just recently went through this. Please let us know if there is anything we can do to help. I told Trai the other night that I really just want to go get you and bring you home.
Oh my friend. I cannot believe this! I wish you were here and we could sit in our old crowded classroom and hash this all out. I will be checking in on your blog, but please call me or email me if you want a one-on-one listener. You're right--you are strong and I've seen you get through some tough stuff. Love you.
I am so sorry to hear this. I am thinking of you April and I pray that God's strength will get you through this.
Oh my goodness. I was very surprised to see this. Please know, that I live here not 12 minutes away from you and that if you need a friend - here I am.
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