Closure

Our divorce is FINALLY final. I feel as if this has been an ongoing saga in my life forever, even if it’s really been just shy of a year. Todd and I separated on November 12, 2008, I filed for divorce on January 4, 2009, and we went to court and walked out with divorce papers in hand on October 5, 2009.

When I first contemplated how I would write a blog entry regarding the details of my separation and eventual divorce, I thought I would lay it all out on the line. In fact, I even wrote up a draft entry to save for just the right moment to tell the world what really happened. Now, I don't feel the need to share ALL of that part of my life any longer. However, I do want to tell a part of the story my way.

I’m not sure Todd even reads my blog, but even if he does, I want him to know that for what it was worth, he was a part of my life. A part I don't regret but wish I had made different decisions along the way.

The following is from the original post I wanted to share back last year, dated November 16, 2008: "Where do I begin? I never, ever thought my life would turn out this way. I have friends who'd been divorced. I have family who'd been divorced. I have parents who'd been divorced.... 'Never would I marry a man who would do this to me.' I was smart in my choice. I know how to pick a decent man who would never, ever make me feel like I would be trapped in a marriage because I had no other way out. Guess what? God had other plans. He let me live almost ten years with Todd, through struggles of infertility, illness, school, jobs/no job, ups and downs, until we hit rock bottom. I thought Todd almost dying would have been our rock bottom. I mean, after all, he was out of work for a year while I worked as a high teacher to support us both. We did get support, too, from both of our families, for which we were eternally grateful. Yet none of that pain adds up to the pain I have felt over this past one week..."

That was many, many months ago. I honestly don't even recognize this writing because that is not who I am now. I can say this now without feeling embittered, but for the first few weeks (maybe months), I was angry. Angry at the world for letting my life turn out this way. Angry at Todd for ruining our future plans. Angry at myself for turning a blind eye for so long. But you know what? I’m no longer angry. In fact, I’m happier than I have been in a really, really long time. I feel like I can finally get back to my old self—one who’s not waiting around for something to happen or someone to come around the corner. Am I happy that it’s over? While I feel like our marriage was over a long time ago, it does feel like closure now. That’s the word—closure. No matter what was said, done, etc., now we can officially move on with our lives. I hope Todd has moved on with his, as I am ready to move on to the next stage of my life. Hence, I’ve made plans for myself:

· Continue to work out 3 days a week and lose 30 more pounds. (I’m down 38 from December of last year.)
· Get back to my cleaning schedule at home (every Saturday morning).
· Organize the storage room in the basement—get rid of excess in general.
· Decorate my house for Fall. I don’t really have much in the way of Halloween, but I’ve bought some really cute fall decorations at Kohl’s.
· Get back to blogging on a regular semi-basis, not the 1 blog every few months just so people know I’m still alive.
· Get back to SCRAPBOOKING!!!!! OMG—I haven’t done this for myself since Dad died back in November 2007. Wow—I’m so behind. I also want to do some major overhaul on my current scrapbooks now that the divorce is final. For some reason, I had a mini-meltdown Monday afternoon/evening after the court hearing. I suddenly noticed all of my scrapbooks sitting on the shelves in the living room and thought to myself, “Now what am I going to do with these?” The meltdown wasn’t because I was sad at losing a husband or my marriage, but it just reminded me that I spent my ENTIRE adulthood married to Todd, and every occasion is documented to the fullest in the pages of my albums. I pulled them all down, looked through each one page by page, and put a plan together. I’m going to redo them. Say what? I’m not redoing them from scratch, but I’ve decided that since I still have these memories from the last 10+ years Todd and I were together, I want to remember the events and family and conversations and emotions of these times when I look at my scrapbooks, NOT the idea that we are now divorced and it was all for naught.
· Live my life the way I choose and have a good time along the way.

That will be all for now. I do have more to share, but it will come at a later time.