Driving me CRAZY!

I have no earthly idea how to get through to this woman. My mother crossed the line last night, and I literally don't know what to do about it. Screaming to her on the phone probably didn't help, but I was so upset over her actions that I couldn't think of anything else. I don't get angry very often, but I'd had it last night.

My mother has always been worried about me, that something bad will happen--getting kidnapped and raped/murdered, getting into a car accident and laying dead in a ditch somewhere along the road, etc. These are things she has NO control over. Mom usually calls me everyday, multiple times a day, and I don't know how to tell her to STOP. STOP. STOP. I've tried telling her, and it does no good.

Last night I went out with two friends for dinner and to see "Eat, Pray, Love." (Loved it by the way...) Apparently Mom called at 5 pm (eating dinner), then SIX--SIX--SIX MORE TIMES until she finally reached me in the theater restroom after the movie at 10:08 pm. She was completely over the top, worried, wondering where I was, etc. Mom even knew I was going to see a movie, but in her little world, the move would have been over by then. The kicker though????? She had left a message on my friend's cell phone, wondering where I was. How did she get my friend's cell phone number you ask? MOM CALLED MY EX-HUSBAND'S PARENTS AND GOT IT FROM THEM!!!!!!!!!!!! My EX-HUSBAND!?!?!?!?! I FREAKED out. I have NO IDEA what to do anymore. I REFUSE to call her every time I blink or take in a breath to let her know that I am still alive.

Somebody please help. Give me something. I love my mother dearly, as she probably really is my best friend, but this is NOT NORMAL. What can I do????

Need a new title

Since I've been at school this week, I haven't had time to sit down and write a new blog. Not that I have anything new or exciting to say, but I did want to write something just so I don't have to see my previous title of "Broken hearted" every time I log in. While I hope Arturo the best, and we have talked since the breakup about remaining friends, I just don't need to see the news flash constantly reminding me of one of the hardest decisions of my life thus far. I'm moving on, and I know he is too.

My classroom is finally beginning to take shape. Because I'm in the luxury trailer, the carpets weren't shampooed until this week, so I wasn't able to work at all until today. TODAY!?! School begins Wednesday, and I still have nothing ready to go. Due to back to school convocation and freshmen orientation on Monday, Tuesday will be it for me. The thought of only having one day to finish my room, laminate signs for this year, prepare for the beginning, make copies, and generally get my head back in the "real world" scares me a little, but I know Wednesday will come and go whether or not I'm prepared. That thought doesn't really help me either. :)

Broken hearted

How do you get over someone when you were the one who broke his heart? I have the constant urge to call him because I have talked to him every day for the past 5 1/2 months. How do you quit someone cold turkey? Apparently I'm not very good at it because I think of Arturo every day and pretty much every moment of every day. I would have spent the rest of my life with Arturo, and spent it happily, would it not have been for this one deal-breaker. It was something I just can't get past, no matter how much love is in my heart. I know it hurts both of us now, but I also know time will heal our wounds. Since there's no speeding up time, I have to deal with my pain the only way I know how--by sharing it and getting it out of my system.

Did I feel this badly when Joon and I parted ways? I knew then that there was nothing I could do to salvalge that relationship, but this one was all on me--it was my idea to end us. I was something I had wrestled with for a month or so until it festered in my mind and I had to make a final decision. No more wishy-washy. Now I have to live with my choice and know I hurt more than just me and him in the process.

Fight the temptation to call. Fight the temptation to call him and ask him to take me back. Fight the temptation to just say that I can ignore the deal-breaker and live the rest of my life always questioning and worrying about us. I cannot do that to myself or Arturo, or one day wake up and regret the life I chose. I know that about me, and I just can't live my life that way. I wish I could because it would be the easy way out now, but I'm trying to look ahead for my future. Call me selfish, but this is what I have to do for me. Sorry for me. So incredibly sorry for you.

Scrapbooking summer

I have been keeping myself busy scrapbooking this summer and trying to play catch-up with these pictures and memories. Before beginning, I sorted through a huge stack to find my starting point. I was backed up the start of 2009. That was a long time ago in terms of scrapbooking! :) However, I have done my best, and now can say that I am currently to March 2010, but I'm on hold for now because most of these pictures and memories involve Arturo. I definitely want to include these memories because they are a part of my life, but I'm just not sure how to approach them all, especially the "couple" pictures. Here is what I've done this summer--sorry about the picture quality. I had a hard time getting them to come out without the flash, and with the flash, there was a shiny spot. :( I also couldn't figure out how to add a caption to each page. :(

Mom and her grand-dog

Oklahoma City trip

Sugarland concert

"Rent" in St. Louis

 Zac Brown Band concert

Mom's retirement party

I listened to my head instead of my heart

I really didn't know what to do. My head and heart were going off in two different directions. My heart keeps pounding and shouting and reminding me just how much I love Arturo and want to be with him forever. Yet my head says something different. I did nothing but think about this situation for the past 2-3 weeks—even spent the entire weekend in Minneapolis with Arturo and his family thinking and stressing about my relationship with Arturo. I didn't want to hurt him, and I knew once I broke off our relationship, it would devastate both him and me. I was right. Once I got the actual words out of my mouth, tears flowed and flowed hard. It broke my heart to the extreme, but I know in my head, I will survive. Arturo will get over it too, but it was sooooo hard to hurt him, and that kills me to know how much I hurt him.

I love Arturo, but… There’s always this but. Where does it come from? I love him. Yes, I love him. But there is always going to be something standing in my way of being 100% committed to him and our relationship. I owed it to me and to him to be honest about my feelings. If I've learned nothing else from my past relationships, I did learn to be honest with myself. If I am not 100% sure, then I can't plunge into anything. I will always think "what if", and there are too many of those questions in my relationship with Arturo.

Why do I do this to myself? Arturo really is a great guy, one of the best men I’ve ever met in my life, but I can’t put my heart into us 100% anymore. And if that’s the case, why put both of us through the drama? I know I love Arturo. I love him. I love his family. I really love his family. And it hurts my heart to think of them hating me for breaking up with Arturo. (If you read this, know how much I truly did and still do love him, but we can never be together forever without too many sacrifices on both of our parts.) It hurts my heart to think I won’t have Arturo as a friend, but could we be friends? I've never really been friends with a serious ex, not that I have so many to choose from, but I don't know how to handle just being friends. We may have to figure that one out after some time has passed and wounds have healed (easier said than done). This is one of our last "couple"-y pictures taken during this last weekend. It's one I will treasure forever.

Maybe it’s time I just spend time on me. Get back in my routine of working out, eating right, and focus on me (being in a relationship did make me lose that healthy focus). Start school, go to the gym, hang out with my friends, etc. Just be me for a while. While I like the sound of that, I know it too is much easier said than done. Only time will heal our broken hearts…