I listened to my head instead of my heart

I really didn't know what to do. My head and heart were going off in two different directions. My heart keeps pounding and shouting and reminding me just how much I love Arturo and want to be with him forever. Yet my head says something different. I did nothing but think about this situation for the past 2-3 weeks—even spent the entire weekend in Minneapolis with Arturo and his family thinking and stressing about my relationship with Arturo. I didn't want to hurt him, and I knew once I broke off our relationship, it would devastate both him and me. I was right. Once I got the actual words out of my mouth, tears flowed and flowed hard. It broke my heart to the extreme, but I know in my head, I will survive. Arturo will get over it too, but it was sooooo hard to hurt him, and that kills me to know how much I hurt him.

I love Arturo, but… There’s always this but. Where does it come from? I love him. Yes, I love him. But there is always going to be something standing in my way of being 100% committed to him and our relationship. I owed it to me and to him to be honest about my feelings. If I've learned nothing else from my past relationships, I did learn to be honest with myself. If I am not 100% sure, then I can't plunge into anything. I will always think "what if", and there are too many of those questions in my relationship with Arturo.

Why do I do this to myself? Arturo really is a great guy, one of the best men I’ve ever met in my life, but I can’t put my heart into us 100% anymore. And if that’s the case, why put both of us through the drama? I know I love Arturo. I love him. I love his family. I really love his family. And it hurts my heart to think of them hating me for breaking up with Arturo. (If you read this, know how much I truly did and still do love him, but we can never be together forever without too many sacrifices on both of our parts.) It hurts my heart to think I won’t have Arturo as a friend, but could we be friends? I've never really been friends with a serious ex, not that I have so many to choose from, but I don't know how to handle just being friends. We may have to figure that one out after some time has passed and wounds have healed (easier said than done). This is one of our last "couple"-y pictures taken during this last weekend. It's one I will treasure forever.

Maybe it’s time I just spend time on me. Get back in my routine of working out, eating right, and focus on me (being in a relationship did make me lose that healthy focus). Start school, go to the gym, hang out with my friends, etc. Just be me for a while. While I like the sound of that, I know it too is much easier said than done. Only time will heal our broken hearts…