Confirmation of the "right" thing

This may be a long one or if I can figure out how to separate these into separate blogs, I will. There's a lot that needs to be said because 1) this is my blog and I am trying to use this as a public journal, which is very scary for me and 2) I actually have pictures and a few stories to share!

I'll start with the title of this blog--Confirmation of the "right" thing. Todd came over last Tuesday to help me put up my Christmas decorations. I'm glad he did because there is no way I would have been able to do all of it in one night. Plus, he was able to carry the tree up from the basement, another huge undertaking. So for that, I am grateful. While he was here, we just kept up a endless string of "let's not talk about us" conversation. Neither one of us wanted to go down that road at that time. We watched "The Biggest Loser" while we decorated and Todd did seem genuinely interested in the show for the first time in his life. (Note--I remember this for a specific reason.) He even brought over a pizza for us to eat for dinner. For some reason, it didn't feel strange that he was here. It just felt like a friend was over to help me out. Both of us knew our 10th wedding anniversary was coming up on Friday, and we both knew we weren't going to celebrate. I had to work our school speech/debate tournament last night, so we weren't going to celebrate it then anyway. Todd did, however, ask me to go to dinner with him tonight (Saturday). I said yes, not to give him the wrong impression that we were getting back together, but I said yes nonetheless. I guess I thought it would be way to at least honor our 10 years together or at least honor the memory of our 10 years together.

He came by today to finish putting the final touches on the outside lights before we went out to dinner. We ended up going to the Cheesecake Factory on the Plaza, one of my favorite places up here, to eat. We had to wait about 45 minutes or so for a table, and during this time, we both kept up the "let's not talk about us" charade. We talked about me joining 24-hour Fitness (another story), his baptism tomorrow, the importance of the OK/MO football game and how it could totally screw up the BSC again this year, what's been going at school and his work, etc. We basically talked about anything and everything but us. Once we sat down and began eating our dinner, conversation turned to the important relationship stuff. He said he felt like he was on a date and didn't know what to say or do to not seem so nervous. Todd just began talking--he told me about his renewed spiritual fire that he has burning within him, how much he has changed over the past month, how he and his mom don't butt heads like they used to, and how he is willing to do anything to show me how he has changed. He said he was willing to watch reality shows (I remembered his interest in "The Biggest Loser"), listen to country music, give up all of his video games, go to chick flicks with me, whatever it took to prove to me how he is a different person. My response? I told him that I too am a different person than I was even a month ago. I feel like I have had to grow up and deal with adult situations like never before. I don't want to be with someone who feels like they have to change who they are to be around me. I want someone who is genuinely interested, not because they feel they have to prove something to me, but because they share the same enthusiasm as I do. I told Todd I saw a future for myself that included him as a friend, someone I can be myself around, someone who I can go to a Nebraska or Chiefs game with, someone I don't have to put up walls of defense to be around. This person would be my friend but not my husband. I told him that even as I sat across from him at the table, I knew we were both moving on with our lives. For me, it means getting my butt off of the couch and joining the land of the living again. I have not forgiven Todd for what happened, but in a way, I thanked him tonight. Without this enormous, earthquake of emotional shakedown, we would both be stuck in the same old crap we were in a month ago. Without this, he would not have had this spiritual rebirth with God, and I would not feel this sudden weight lifted off of my shoulders. I can't explain it, but tonight's dinner "date" with Todd just confirmed that I was making the right decision for my life. He will always be a part of my life. We spent 10 years together as husband and wife, and those memories of the good times will not fade. As part of our time together, Todd gave me a necklace tonight that I did not want to accept. He told me to keep it and think of it as a gesture, not of bribery and begging to come back, but instead of the past 10 years. He told me I didn't have to wear it because he knew it would only make people ask questions. I could lock it away in my jewelry box, and when I did get it out, I could think of us and our 10 years. I think at this point, it is sinking in to Todd that he needs to move on with his life because I have to move on with mine. He seemed different and I could tell that he truly has changed for the better. I want him to change for him, not for me or for us. There hasn't been an "us" since November 13th, and that is a fact that cannot be changed. However, we can move on as friends. I truly want to believe that.

Had enough of that?? Okay, moving backwards to Thanksgiving. I had a great Thanksgiving, given the circumstances. I went down and spent some quality time with my mom, whom I hadn't seen since October. I also got to see a very good high school and college roommate, Angie, whom I hadn't seen or talked to since our high school reunion back in 2006. We met at McAlister's and I got to have some of that good ol' McAlister's sweet tea. Nothing beats a sweet tea from there! After seeing Angie, I drove over to Kodi and Trai's house and spent a Thanksgiving Friday night with them and their sweet little girl, Emmarie. Below is a picture of the two us after she dressed me up in her jewelry (and learned my name--I was Daniel for a little while!).

I had such a good time over at their house. Dinner was DELICIOUS, and we watched "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" once Emmarie went to bed. (How cute is this? Emmarie invited me to sleep over in her bed before Trai tucked her in.) That movie was funny! It was one I hadn't seen yet, and it was good. I don't know if I'll own it, but it's one I'd watch again for sure. Before I left that night, I made sure Trai took a picture of Kodi and me. Last time we were together up here, she got away without a picture--and we call ourselves scrapbookers?? This time, I got the picture! Kodi, I miss you!

I want leave with two pictures--both of Christmas trees. I now have two trees up in my house. The big one is in the living room and it the regular tree with Disney and other general ornaments hanging from it. This is the one that Todd put up and worked on. While he was doing that, I put up the second tree. I was inspired while I was in Springfield to put up a small tree in the kitchen. This tree would be decorated in nothing but red, silver, and black to match the kitchen, and I do say that I LOVE how this tree turned out! This are the end results: (sorry for bad photos--I was using the point-and-shoot and I don't know how to take quality photos with this camera, especially without the flash!)

Well, I need to go to bed now. I have a stack of papers to grade tomorrow that is about a foot high. Who knows how long that will take me? I want to finish before tomorrow night because I have a chance to see the KC Symphony and would love to see them for a Christmas show!