Short and Semi-sweet

Those of you who know me know that I keep a Christmas scrapbook full of pages dating back from 1996, the first Christmas Todd and I were together as a dating couple. This was also my very first Christmas on my own, meaning I was out of the house and didn't have to ask Mom or Dad for money to buy Christmas presents. This year, 2008, may be a shortened Christmas scrapbook page in the book. Todd and his parents came over to the house tonight to spend "our" Christmas together. Since I am leaving tomorrow morning (weather-willing) to spend Christmas with my family down in Springfield, they wanted to come early to give me my gifts and so Todd could get his from Mom. Well, dinner was great thanks to a delicious cheesy potato soup that Todd's mom made. After dinner, we opened our gifts and that's where things became a little fuzzy. Of course, I did get Todd two small gifts because it was Christmas. He, in turn, did the same for me. Once the presents had been opened, we sat around and talked about anything just to make conversation move on. When it came time for them to leave, it was really awkward. I gave each of Todd's parents a hug and thanked them for their generous gifts--my fave? A new leather wallet with $100 inside! Thanks!!! Todd then leaned in to give me a hug as well. I hugged him back. What was I to say? No, I don't want to hug you? That's not me. I didn't mind the hug at all. Everyone needs to be hugged! Then he said, "I love you." I didn't know what to say in response to that. I just said bye as he was walking out the door. My heart and my head are definitely in conflict over this. My heart says that it no longer loves Todd like that because it's been hurt WAY too much to go back to that situation. My head, however, says two things--1) wouldn't life be so much easier and less painful with him back in it? and 2) we are no longer the same people from two months ago and it just wouldn't work. Who would you listen to? Even if I do listen to my head, it's giving me mixed signals! This is definitely not something I want to send to Todd either. Well, this turned out to be not as short as I originally planned, but oh well. I'm off to Springfield in the morning to visit with family and hopefully to make a stop at my old stomping grounds-Kickapoo High. Have a wonderful and very Merry Christmas!!!