24 hour fitness and Bodybugg

After deciding that I wanted to join the land of the living (my new catch phrase) once again, I joined another group as well--the 24-hour Fitness club just 10 minutes from my house. I figured I needed to get my butt off of the couch and do something about my 1) fat and 2) ZERO energy level. Literally, I could come home every day from school and just go to bed. I am only 30 years old people! How terrible is that?? I now have no excuse for not going to work out at least 3 days a week. I drive by the fitness club on my way home from work if get off at the first exit instead of the last one. I've been three times so far and I do enjoy myself while I'm there. I'm not terribly adept at running any of the machines so far, but I'm hoping when I meet with Shelly, my personal trainer, again on Friday, she will show me the ropes. We met today for the first time, and she went through my personal program with me. I logged on to the myapex.com website and set up a username and password. According to my body numbers, I need to take in 1500 calories a day and burn an average of 1000 calories a day to equal a 2 pound weight loss each week. Sounds tough? I thought so! One of my thoughts today as I was walking up an imaginary hill on the treadmill was, "at least I am getting my butt off of the couch and burning more calories here than sitting in front of the TV." My goal is to go on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Saturday mornings, plus do one class a week. They offer some pretty cool classes--water aerobics (I may be the youngest in the group!), spinning (sounds really hard!), 24SETS (steps and weights), and my personal favorite, Zumba. Zumba is offered on Thursday nights and it's supposed to be a latin dance class. I may try this next week after Survivor is over. I know, I know, I am supposed to be getting off of the couch, but come on! It's the final week and I figure I need to start slow.

One thing I REALLY want is the Bodybugg. This is the little gadget that all of the contestants on "The Biggest Loser" wear on their arms.

This thing tracks every calorie burned while you have it on. The only time you take it off is when you get wet and when you are sleeping. My trainer was telling me about it today--you track your calories eaten on the website, plug in the numbers from the Bodybugg as calories burned, and Viola! You can see if you have a surplus or hopefully a deficit. Now here's the catch--this little thing costs $199. Once you buy it, it comes with a 6-month web access to do all of the uploading, etc., then you have to purchase additional time. I think it's $99 for a year. It sounds steep, but it may be worth it to physically see how much you are burning vs. taking in. I would totally wear it, but the hard part will be tracking my food online. I have hard enough time getting online every day to check my email, blog, etc. Now I'd have one more thing to add to the mix. My hope is that once I start exercising in a routine, my energy level will boost and I'll actually feel like staying up that extra 10-15 minutes to do what I need to do on here.

I know I sound like I'm rambling, but I'll close with a a plea. If anyone wants to donate to the "April wants a Bodybugg" fund, feel free!

Confirmation of the "right" thing

This may be a long one or if I can figure out how to separate these into separate blogs, I will. There's a lot that needs to be said because 1) this is my blog and I am trying to use this as a public journal, which is very scary for me and 2) I actually have pictures and a few stories to share!

I'll start with the title of this blog--Confirmation of the "right" thing. Todd came over last Tuesday to help me put up my Christmas decorations. I'm glad he did because there is no way I would have been able to do all of it in one night. Plus, he was able to carry the tree up from the basement, another huge undertaking. So for that, I am grateful. While he was here, we just kept up a endless string of "let's not talk about us" conversation. Neither one of us wanted to go down that road at that time. We watched "The Biggest Loser" while we decorated and Todd did seem genuinely interested in the show for the first time in his life. (Note--I remember this for a specific reason.) He even brought over a pizza for us to eat for dinner. For some reason, it didn't feel strange that he was here. It just felt like a friend was over to help me out. Both of us knew our 10th wedding anniversary was coming up on Friday, and we both knew we weren't going to celebrate. I had to work our school speech/debate tournament last night, so we weren't going to celebrate it then anyway. Todd did, however, ask me to go to dinner with him tonight (Saturday). I said yes, not to give him the wrong impression that we were getting back together, but I said yes nonetheless. I guess I thought it would be way to at least honor our 10 years together or at least honor the memory of our 10 years together.

He came by today to finish putting the final touches on the outside lights before we went out to dinner. We ended up going to the Cheesecake Factory on the Plaza, one of my favorite places up here, to eat. We had to wait about 45 minutes or so for a table, and during this time, we both kept up the "let's not talk about us" charade. We talked about me joining 24-hour Fitness (another story), his baptism tomorrow, the importance of the OK/MO football game and how it could totally screw up the BSC again this year, what's been going at school and his work, etc. We basically talked about anything and everything but us. Once we sat down and began eating our dinner, conversation turned to the important relationship stuff. He said he felt like he was on a date and didn't know what to say or do to not seem so nervous. Todd just began talking--he told me about his renewed spiritual fire that he has burning within him, how much he has changed over the past month, how he and his mom don't butt heads like they used to, and how he is willing to do anything to show me how he has changed. He said he was willing to watch reality shows (I remembered his interest in "The Biggest Loser"), listen to country music, give up all of his video games, go to chick flicks with me, whatever it took to prove to me how he is a different person. My response? I told him that I too am a different person than I was even a month ago. I feel like I have had to grow up and deal with adult situations like never before. I don't want to be with someone who feels like they have to change who they are to be around me. I want someone who is genuinely interested, not because they feel they have to prove something to me, but because they share the same enthusiasm as I do. I told Todd I saw a future for myself that included him as a friend, someone I can be myself around, someone who I can go to a Nebraska or Chiefs game with, someone I don't have to put up walls of defense to be around. This person would be my friend but not my husband. I told him that even as I sat across from him at the table, I knew we were both moving on with our lives. For me, it means getting my butt off of the couch and joining the land of the living again. I have not forgiven Todd for what happened, but in a way, I thanked him tonight. Without this enormous, earthquake of emotional shakedown, we would both be stuck in the same old crap we were in a month ago. Without this, he would not have had this spiritual rebirth with God, and I would not feel this sudden weight lifted off of my shoulders. I can't explain it, but tonight's dinner "date" with Todd just confirmed that I was making the right decision for my life. He will always be a part of my life. We spent 10 years together as husband and wife, and those memories of the good times will not fade. As part of our time together, Todd gave me a necklace tonight that I did not want to accept. He told me to keep it and think of it as a gesture, not of bribery and begging to come back, but instead of the past 10 years. He told me I didn't have to wear it because he knew it would only make people ask questions. I could lock it away in my jewelry box, and when I did get it out, I could think of us and our 10 years. I think at this point, it is sinking in to Todd that he needs to move on with his life because I have to move on with mine. He seemed different and I could tell that he truly has changed for the better. I want him to change for him, not for me or for us. There hasn't been an "us" since November 13th, and that is a fact that cannot be changed. However, we can move on as friends. I truly want to believe that.

Had enough of that?? Okay, moving backwards to Thanksgiving. I had a great Thanksgiving, given the circumstances. I went down and spent some quality time with my mom, whom I hadn't seen since October. I also got to see a very good high school and college roommate, Angie, whom I hadn't seen or talked to since our high school reunion back in 2006. We met at McAlister's and I got to have some of that good ol' McAlister's sweet tea. Nothing beats a sweet tea from there! After seeing Angie, I drove over to Kodi and Trai's house and spent a Thanksgiving Friday night with them and their sweet little girl, Emmarie. Below is a picture of the two us after she dressed me up in her jewelry (and learned my name--I was Daniel for a little while!).

I had such a good time over at their house. Dinner was DELICIOUS, and we watched "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" once Emmarie went to bed. (How cute is this? Emmarie invited me to sleep over in her bed before Trai tucked her in.) That movie was funny! It was one I hadn't seen yet, and it was good. I don't know if I'll own it, but it's one I'd watch again for sure. Before I left that night, I made sure Trai took a picture of Kodi and me. Last time we were together up here, she got away without a picture--and we call ourselves scrapbookers?? This time, I got the picture! Kodi, I miss you!

I want leave with two pictures--both of Christmas trees. I now have two trees up in my house. The big one is in the living room and it the regular tree with Disney and other general ornaments hanging from it. This is the one that Todd put up and worked on. While he was doing that, I put up the second tree. I was inspired while I was in Springfield to put up a small tree in the kitchen. This tree would be decorated in nothing but red, silver, and black to match the kitchen, and I do say that I LOVE how this tree turned out! This are the end results: (sorry for bad photos--I was using the point-and-shoot and I don't know how to take quality photos with this camera, especially without the flash!)

Well, I need to go to bed now. I have a stack of papers to grade tomorrow that is about a foot high. Who knows how long that will take me? I want to finish before tomorrow night because I have a chance to see the KC Symphony and would love to see them for a Christmas show!

New day

Well, I know it's been a while since I've last posted and some of you are beginning to worry about me due to the last blog topic. Things haven't changed much--Todd's still at his parents and Soze and I are here at home. I have talked to Todd a few times and we even met for lunch yesterday to discuss "us". However, at this time, we are still moving forward with our separation. I know it is the best thing for me. We both made our own decisions and must live the consequences. Yes, I've had my good days and bad days. My emotions are definitely are on the rollercoaster path--up one day, down the next. Even though this is my blog and I can say whatever I want, I will say that I am trying my best to edit myself. I don't want Todd to be hurt by something I might say. Yes, I know, I am being nice. That's me! That's also the reason my blogs may be a little cryptic--I'm trying to say what I need to say without hurting anyone in the process.

On to a better topic--I went with some other teachers to see "Twilight" on Friday afternoon. Since I have read the book, or more appropriately, been obsessed with the book, I thought it was really good. Every time Edward was on the screen, my heart pitter-pattered in harmony with his stone heart. Even Jacob, whom I didn't really care for that much in the books, was FINE!! I am curious to see how his character is played in future movies. I will definitely be owning this movie, maybe not for the Oscar-winning performances, but for the eye candy!

Like my friend Kodi, I cannot believe Thanksgiving is here already! We go to school two days this week, then I am off to Springfield to spend some much-needed time with my mom. While I am down there, I am also having a homemade Thanksgiving at Kodi's house. Kodi, I am ready for that Paula Deen apple pie!

**Note: Soze does NOT like me on the computer right now. She is trying her hardest to get me to get out of the chair. She has even tried climbing in my lap for attention! She has de-gutted a mouse toy and wants to me to throw it in the air so she can catch it. Since she's old, her energy level never last very long--a few throws and she's done. I think she knows something is up and will not let me out of her sight. If I'm in the office, she's in the office. If I'm sitting on the couch, she's laying beside me on the couch. I love her for it!!!

I haven't taken pictures of much lately, so I'll close by saying that I plan on having pictures for my next blog after Thanksgiving.

Change...again

Do you remember me saying back in January that my new word for this year would be "change"? Well, my life is changing again. On Saturday, my world was turned upside down, and yesterday it was flipped inside out. There is just no easy way to say this, so I am just going to bite the big one and say it: Todd and I are getting a divorce. Divorce. This word is one that I never thought would enter my own vocabulary, yet here I am. I have no idea what I am going to do next. Will I be able to afford our brand new house? Will I move back to Springfield? I have no earthly idea. I told Todd I was not going to badmouth him all over town, and I guess that includes on here too. We both know what happened and there is nothing that can be done to take it back now.

Right now I am more saddened than anything. Not at me really, but at this whole situation. I know what I will be missing out on as a divorced woman. I'll miss having someone to go out to eat, go to a football game, watch movies, and when I think of all of the scrapbooks filled with memories, it saddens me even more. Todd was my best friend--not just my husband but my best friend. He was someone I could tell anything and everything to. What the hell happened? Whatever it was is gone. How did my life become this...this what I don't know. I'm sorry if it looks like I'm rambling. I probably am just to get all of this out there.

I have only cried twice really over this mess, which is very unusual for me. I am a crier. I cried once last night for about two minutes, letting myself dwell in the moment, then I was done. Then I cried this morning when I told my friend Lindsey at school. She couldn't believe that I was even at school today. I knew if I sat at home, I would think of nothing else all day long. At least at school, my kiddos take my mind off of the "real world".

I also slept pretty well last night, suprisingly. I didn't think I would, but maybe that's a sign that this is going to be okay. I will be fine. I will make it through whatever God has in store for me. Let me end by saying thank you for allowing me to get this off of my chest and out of my mind at least for the moment. It won't last forever, and I know that. I am not bitter. I am not hateful. I am just saddened and ready to move on with my life.

ETA: Okay, I lied. I think the shock is b.e.g.i.n.n.i.n.g. to wear off of what has become my life, and it is affecting me more than I knew. I just think that the finality of my decision to divorce is hitting me, not that our marriage hadn't already ended. It had. I have been so hurt, and maybe I was oblivious to what was happening right in front of me, but I do know I don't deserve this. Damn it! I don't deserve this!! What makes us do the things we do? While I can't answer that for Todd, I can answer part of it for me. I am doing this for myself. I will not live the rest of my life and marriage always wondering "what's going on?". I will not do that to myself. I am a much stronger and independent woman than I was when I married Todd at 20. I respect myself too much and I know I will learn so much more about myself as I go through this process. I am learning already that it will be a process. This is not something that I can flip on/off like a switch. My marriage is over. I am moving on for myself, not for anyone else.

One year ago...

On this date, one year ago, my life changed. My dad left this world to be with his Heavenly Father. This news bit me today as I was walking out of the school building. I hadn't even thought of today's date because I was at school all day long in a pull-out session for grading our common assessment. When I walked outside, I checked my watch and noticed the date read "6". November 6th...why does this date sound familiar? Then it hit me--my dad has been dead for a year. A YEAR?!? I still can't believe it has been this long, and I have done no scrapbooking yet about this event. I just can't bring myself to do it. I know I made my brother one for Christmas, but it was a gift to him. For some reason, I don't want to make one for me. I mean I do, I just don't want to. Does that make sense? I know the pictures are downstairs waiting for me, and I know I will do it eventually, but.... Needless to say, since I haven't scrapbooked this "stuff" yet, I have also put on hold any events that have taken place since then--no Thanksgiving of last year, Christmas, my birthday, whatever. To close, I'll add a picture of my dad that always makes me laugh. I know he's up in Heaven, fishing with Angie (my sister). Here's to you, Dad!

Books galore

Since my last post, quite a bit has gone on, but nothing that I thought deserved a MAIN post because who really wants to read about school? It seems that's the only thing in my life right now. Let's see... since my last post, my mom has come to visit. We had a great time shopping and eating! Of course, she loved seeing and spending time with her granddog, Soze, more than she actually did us. That's okay--anything to get her up here!

I have read three (and almost four!) books in the last month. My reading seems to go in shifts. I will go forever without really reading an entire book, but since I force my kids to read on a regular schedule, it also forces me to read with them. I have read Eat Pray Love, a book about finding yourself when all hope is gone.

This memoir by Elizabeth Gilbert was beautifully written, although to me, the middle dragged a bit. It's a true story of her year-long purge after a divorce. She travels to Italy (EAT), then to India and lives in an ashram (PRAY), and finally makes her way to Ubud, Bali where she meets the man who becomes her husband (LOVE). Like I said, this book was fantastic and I know the author has been on Oprah. I need to search Youtube and find the clip! When I went to the author's website for a picture of the book, I noticed it said that the movie rights had been sold for a film to star Julia Roberts. I thought I was going to fall out of my chair when I read that! The entire time I was reading this book, the woman in my mind looked just like Julia! I'm still in shock--those things never work out!

My next literary venture was the newest Nicholas Sparks novel, The Lucky One. Those that know me know that Sparks is my all-time favorite "chug down a book" guy. He's one that I can read in a weekend and be totally satisfied. This newest book did not dissappoint. I'll admit that this was the first one that did not make me cry, but I think it was because I had cried so much seeing "Nights in Rodanthe", his newest movie, that I was all cried out. Plus, this book held so much more action at the end than his usual ones do that I was surprised by the ending. This one was totally unpredictable for me!

Once I finished The Lucky One, I finally got my hands on Twilight. OH MY GOD!!!! I know the kids, mostly girls, have been reading this series like crazy, and I used to think, "eh, how good can it be? It's about VAMPIRES, for crying out loud!" Well, the Twilight craze has caught up to me. Once I started reading about Bella and Edward, which by the way, Isabella is now my new favorite baby girl name, I just couldn't stop. I literally could not put the book down! I was reading in class while the kids were reading, I was reading in the car while I was stopped at a red light, and I read it home until I finished. I think I read the book in 3 days. Now I have started New Moon and will continue this series until I'm spent. It is killing me to know what happens!!!! Funny as it may sound for those who haven't read it yet, I totally want the chick to become a vampire just so the two who were MEANT to be together can actually be together. I know--this is what my life has become! I'm rooting for vampires!! Not only that, but I have told Todd (I gave him no options on this one--thanks Hon!) that he and I will be at the movie theater when "Twilight" opens November 21st. No ifs, ands, or buts. I have only seen the trailer once, but I don't care. I will be there, and I just hope that the powers that be have done the book justice. I'm sure I'll blog more about my addiction to this series as I read. If not, I'll wait until I'm finished and then give you the low-down. I plan to be finished with the series by the movie's release. I don't think that will be too difficult considering it's been 4 days now, and I'm in the middle of book two.

Victory and Defeat

Last Sunday Todd and I, along with his good friend Jeff from Springfield, went to our very first pro football game. As you can tell from the picture above, our seats were WAY up in the top section, but they actually turned out to be pretty good. Aside from the people sitting around us, the seats were great! We could see all of the action, and with the use of our zoom lens, were able to get some decent shots. This is a picture of the two of us near the end of the game. I had told Todd to get us tickets for a game when it wouldn't be too cold, and I think God took me too literally in that request. It was HOT!!! We were all sweating and melting into each other by the end!

The Chiefs had been on a losing streak since oh...December of LAST year (I'm not sure it's been that bad, but it has been pretty dang sad.). Guess what?? The game we see--the Chiefs WIN!!! I told Todd maybe we needed to go see every home game to ensure they win every time. I don't think he bought it.

I just had to take this next picture for Todd's friend Jeff. The Chiefs were playing the Denver Broncos and Jeff is a HUGE Broncos fan! I thought this guy was just too funny to pass up.

During the game, we also had some entertainment besides the plays on the field. We were sitting directly in front of a row of Denver fans, and of course, directly behind them was a guy who is a poster-child for contraceptives and alcohol-free events. This guy kept egging on the Denver fans, but he just wouldn't ever quit. It got so bad at one point that someone called the security on him. He left but was let back in. Not two seconds after he came back, the real security police came by and escorted him out. We clapped as he was leaving! See ya!

Todd and I both really enjoyed having Jeff up here as a houseguest. We'll take all of you someday (just not all at once!).On a different note, I have spent the last 3 days at home sick. It started Tuesday or Wednesday with just slight sinus trouble, but by Wednesday night, I couldn't breathe, lay down without coughing, and on top of it all, I had a fever. I didn't want to miss work because I know I don't have many sick days since I am new to the district, but there was no way I was going to be able to function. I spent Thursday and Friday laying on the couch, watching TV and sleeping. I did end up going to Urgent Care for meds yesterday, but so far, they have not really kicked in. Today I woke up to even more trouble with coughing so hard that I threw up--TWICE. Not fun in the least! I am desperately hoping to be better tomorrow and I'm sure I'll be better by Monday. Hopefully the meds will do their job by then! I'm sure you all had a better week than I did. I'm hoping next week will be better for me!