Short and Semi-sweet

Those of you who know me know that I keep a Christmas scrapbook full of pages dating back from 1996, the first Christmas Todd and I were together as a dating couple. This was also my very first Christmas on my own, meaning I was out of the house and didn't have to ask Mom or Dad for money to buy Christmas presents. This year, 2008, may be a shortened Christmas scrapbook page in the book. Todd and his parents came over to the house tonight to spend "our" Christmas together. Since I am leaving tomorrow morning (weather-willing) to spend Christmas with my family down in Springfield, they wanted to come early to give me my gifts and so Todd could get his from Mom. Well, dinner was great thanks to a delicious cheesy potato soup that Todd's mom made. After dinner, we opened our gifts and that's where things became a little fuzzy. Of course, I did get Todd two small gifts because it was Christmas. He, in turn, did the same for me. Once the presents had been opened, we sat around and talked about anything just to make conversation move on. When it came time for them to leave, it was really awkward. I gave each of Todd's parents a hug and thanked them for their generous gifts--my fave? A new leather wallet with $100 inside! Thanks!!! Todd then leaned in to give me a hug as well. I hugged him back. What was I to say? No, I don't want to hug you? That's not me. I didn't mind the hug at all. Everyone needs to be hugged! Then he said, "I love you." I didn't know what to say in response to that. I just said bye as he was walking out the door. My heart and my head are definitely in conflict over this. My heart says that it no longer loves Todd like that because it's been hurt WAY too much to go back to that situation. My head, however, says two things--1) wouldn't life be so much easier and less painful with him back in it? and 2) we are no longer the same people from two months ago and it just wouldn't work. Who would you listen to? Even if I do listen to my head, it's giving me mixed signals! This is definitely not something I want to send to Todd either. Well, this turned out to be not as short as I originally planned, but oh well. I'm off to Springfield in the morning to visit with family and hopefully to make a stop at my old stomping grounds-Kickapoo High. Have a wonderful and very Merry Christmas!!!

Christmas Tag--I'm it!

Christmas Question Tag courtesy of my friend Haley

The rules:
1. Post the rules on your blog.
2. Fill out the questions below.
3. Tag 5-7 people at the end of your post.
4. Pass on the tag. Have FUN!!

1.Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate?
I can't stand egg nog. I'm not sure what's in it, but the idea of raw eggs in my drink make me nauseated. I love hot chocolate if it's made with milk--no watery stuff for me!

2.Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree?
When I was little, he did both. He'd wrap the smaller presents but leave the one big gift each year for me to see when I walked (or ran) into the room. Now he wraps all gifts.

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white?
Now it depends on the tree--in the living room and around the front porch, the lights are colored. The tree in the kitchen is done with white lights. The colored lights would definitely clash!

4. Do you hang mistletoe?
I never have had the real thing, but when I had a faux mistletoe, I hung it over the door. No need to do that this year...

5. When do you put your decorations up?
Normally they are put up the weekend after Thanksgiving, but this year, they were up the next week. Todd even came over to help me. Good thing too because I don't think I could have carried the tree upstairs by myself.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)?
Umm...there are too many to choose from! I love mom's stuffing in the giant army-sized trough, Todd's mom's plate of goodies, plus I can't forget about just the regular stuff I eat all season long!

7. Favorite holiday memory as a child?
I remember getting a ballerina set when I was 7 or 8 years old. I walked into the room and the box was calling my name! Dad installed the bar in my bedroom and I pretended I was a ballerina for at least a year! I don't think I ever had a tutu, but I would just wear my bathing suit over a pair of tights. Good thing there aren't any pictures of that--thanks Mom!

8. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve?
I don't remember doing this when I was little, but as I turned older, I think I was able to open one small gift on Christmas Eve. Todd and I always celebrated with his family on this night, then went to Mom's for Christmas Day. This year, Todd and his parents are coming over Monday night to spend some time at my house.

9. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree?
I have the usual tree in the living room that now looks smaller than usual thanks to the high ceiling. That tree is decorated with mostly Disney ornaments, with a few other random ones thrown in for good measure. My new tree in the kitchen is my new favorite! It's decorated only in red, white, and black to match the kitchen/dining decor.

10. Can you ice skate?
I only remember doing this once for my 9th birthday down in Little Rock. My parents took a friend of mine along for the occasion, and while I remember loving the experience, I haven't done it since. I'm not sure I'd make it very far now!

11. Do you remember your favorite gift?
Well, I don't know if she counts as a gift, but we bought Soze during the Christmas season, and she has been the best dog a girl could ask for!

12. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert?
Mmmm...how can I choose one? Mom's pecan pie, Connie's plate of sin, etc. It's all good...

13. What is your favorite holiday tradition?
Taking turns opening one present at a time rather than all just diving in. When I was little, we used to dive in together, and presents would only take about 5 minutes to open. Now we have come to our senses and open one at a time.

14. What tops your tree?
The Disney tree is, of course, topped by Mickey Mouse. The new tree has a cute little glittery silver star that I'm sure will spread its cheer over everything in the box when I pack it away.

15. Which do you prefer giving or receiving?
While I do love to be on the receiving end of a great gift, I much more prefer to give a gift and see the person's face as he or she opens it. It doesn't have to be the most extravagent present, but I want the person to know that I chose this particular item just for them.

16. What is your favorite Christmas Song?
Once Thanksgiving arrives, I indulge myself in Christmas music 24/7. That's all I listen to in the car and on the radio at school during my plan time. I have several I like--Straight No Chaser's version of "12 Days of Christmas" (if you haven't Youtubed it yet, check it out!), "The Christmas Song," "Mary, Did You Know?,"but my all-time favorite is "O Holy Night."

17. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum?
I usually only have one for the season. That's about it. Not really a big fan of those--give me chocolate instead!

18. What do you want for Christmas?
My wants have changed over the last few weeks. Now I want an ipod so I can listen to music when I work out at the gym. I also want a new chair for my classroom, a heater for downstairs so I can scrapbook in the winter, and a Bodybugg.

19. Do you attend an annual Christmas Party?
I don't think I've ever been to an "annual" party, but I did go to the school party yesterday. While I didn't win anything (do I ever?), I did have a really good time both there and at the afterparty.

20. Do you dress up on Christmas or wear PJs?
We dress comfy but you've got to be prepared and presentable for pictures. I used to wear something "Christmas"-y, but now I have come to my senses and realize that I'm only 30--not 65!

21. Do you own a santa hat?
I do but only wear it on special occasions. Come to think of it, I haven't worn it ever!

22. Who do you normally spend Christmas with?
This year, I'm spending Christmas day with my mom, brother Cliff and his wife Terri. My grandma and Uncle Bryan will probably be there too. I'll miss seeing my two nephews, Adam and Jon. Then the next week, I'm off to Memphis to spend some time with my stepmom's family.

I tag Kodi, Bonnie, Mom (you can post a reply you know!), and Terri. Who else wants to play?

24 hour fitness and Bodybugg

After deciding that I wanted to join the land of the living (my new catch phrase) once again, I joined another group as well--the 24-hour Fitness club just 10 minutes from my house. I figured I needed to get my butt off of the couch and do something about my 1) fat and 2) ZERO energy level. Literally, I could come home every day from school and just go to bed. I am only 30 years old people! How terrible is that?? I now have no excuse for not going to work out at least 3 days a week. I drive by the fitness club on my way home from work if get off at the first exit instead of the last one. I've been three times so far and I do enjoy myself while I'm there. I'm not terribly adept at running any of the machines so far, but I'm hoping when I meet with Shelly, my personal trainer, again on Friday, she will show me the ropes. We met today for the first time, and she went through my personal program with me. I logged on to the myapex.com website and set up a username and password. According to my body numbers, I need to take in 1500 calories a day and burn an average of 1000 calories a day to equal a 2 pound weight loss each week. Sounds tough? I thought so! One of my thoughts today as I was walking up an imaginary hill on the treadmill was, "at least I am getting my butt off of the couch and burning more calories here than sitting in front of the TV." My goal is to go on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Saturday mornings, plus do one class a week. They offer some pretty cool classes--water aerobics (I may be the youngest in the group!), spinning (sounds really hard!), 24SETS (steps and weights), and my personal favorite, Zumba. Zumba is offered on Thursday nights and it's supposed to be a latin dance class. I may try this next week after Survivor is over. I know, I know, I am supposed to be getting off of the couch, but come on! It's the final week and I figure I need to start slow.

One thing I REALLY want is the Bodybugg. This is the little gadget that all of the contestants on "The Biggest Loser" wear on their arms.

This thing tracks every calorie burned while you have it on. The only time you take it off is when you get wet and when you are sleeping. My trainer was telling me about it today--you track your calories eaten on the website, plug in the numbers from the Bodybugg as calories burned, and Viola! You can see if you have a surplus or hopefully a deficit. Now here's the catch--this little thing costs $199. Once you buy it, it comes with a 6-month web access to do all of the uploading, etc., then you have to purchase additional time. I think it's $99 for a year. It sounds steep, but it may be worth it to physically see how much you are burning vs. taking in. I would totally wear it, but the hard part will be tracking my food online. I have hard enough time getting online every day to check my email, blog, etc. Now I'd have one more thing to add to the mix. My hope is that once I start exercising in a routine, my energy level will boost and I'll actually feel like staying up that extra 10-15 minutes to do what I need to do on here.

I know I sound like I'm rambling, but I'll close with a a plea. If anyone wants to donate to the "April wants a Bodybugg" fund, feel free!

Confirmation of the "right" thing

This may be a long one or if I can figure out how to separate these into separate blogs, I will. There's a lot that needs to be said because 1) this is my blog and I am trying to use this as a public journal, which is very scary for me and 2) I actually have pictures and a few stories to share!

I'll start with the title of this blog--Confirmation of the "right" thing. Todd came over last Tuesday to help me put up my Christmas decorations. I'm glad he did because there is no way I would have been able to do all of it in one night. Plus, he was able to carry the tree up from the basement, another huge undertaking. So for that, I am grateful. While he was here, we just kept up a endless string of "let's not talk about us" conversation. Neither one of us wanted to go down that road at that time. We watched "The Biggest Loser" while we decorated and Todd did seem genuinely interested in the show for the first time in his life. (Note--I remember this for a specific reason.) He even brought over a pizza for us to eat for dinner. For some reason, it didn't feel strange that he was here. It just felt like a friend was over to help me out. Both of us knew our 10th wedding anniversary was coming up on Friday, and we both knew we weren't going to celebrate. I had to work our school speech/debate tournament last night, so we weren't going to celebrate it then anyway. Todd did, however, ask me to go to dinner with him tonight (Saturday). I said yes, not to give him the wrong impression that we were getting back together, but I said yes nonetheless. I guess I thought it would be way to at least honor our 10 years together or at least honor the memory of our 10 years together.

He came by today to finish putting the final touches on the outside lights before we went out to dinner. We ended up going to the Cheesecake Factory on the Plaza, one of my favorite places up here, to eat. We had to wait about 45 minutes or so for a table, and during this time, we both kept up the "let's not talk about us" charade. We talked about me joining 24-hour Fitness (another story), his baptism tomorrow, the importance of the OK/MO football game and how it could totally screw up the BSC again this year, what's been going at school and his work, etc. We basically talked about anything and everything but us. Once we sat down and began eating our dinner, conversation turned to the important relationship stuff. He said he felt like he was on a date and didn't know what to say or do to not seem so nervous. Todd just began talking--he told me about his renewed spiritual fire that he has burning within him, how much he has changed over the past month, how he and his mom don't butt heads like they used to, and how he is willing to do anything to show me how he has changed. He said he was willing to watch reality shows (I remembered his interest in "The Biggest Loser"), listen to country music, give up all of his video games, go to chick flicks with me, whatever it took to prove to me how he is a different person. My response? I told him that I too am a different person than I was even a month ago. I feel like I have had to grow up and deal with adult situations like never before. I don't want to be with someone who feels like they have to change who they are to be around me. I want someone who is genuinely interested, not because they feel they have to prove something to me, but because they share the same enthusiasm as I do. I told Todd I saw a future for myself that included him as a friend, someone I can be myself around, someone who I can go to a Nebraska or Chiefs game with, someone I don't have to put up walls of defense to be around. This person would be my friend but not my husband. I told him that even as I sat across from him at the table, I knew we were both moving on with our lives. For me, it means getting my butt off of the couch and joining the land of the living again. I have not forgiven Todd for what happened, but in a way, I thanked him tonight. Without this enormous, earthquake of emotional shakedown, we would both be stuck in the same old crap we were in a month ago. Without this, he would not have had this spiritual rebirth with God, and I would not feel this sudden weight lifted off of my shoulders. I can't explain it, but tonight's dinner "date" with Todd just confirmed that I was making the right decision for my life. He will always be a part of my life. We spent 10 years together as husband and wife, and those memories of the good times will not fade. As part of our time together, Todd gave me a necklace tonight that I did not want to accept. He told me to keep it and think of it as a gesture, not of bribery and begging to come back, but instead of the past 10 years. He told me I didn't have to wear it because he knew it would only make people ask questions. I could lock it away in my jewelry box, and when I did get it out, I could think of us and our 10 years. I think at this point, it is sinking in to Todd that he needs to move on with his life because I have to move on with mine. He seemed different and I could tell that he truly has changed for the better. I want him to change for him, not for me or for us. There hasn't been an "us" since November 13th, and that is a fact that cannot be changed. However, we can move on as friends. I truly want to believe that.

Had enough of that?? Okay, moving backwards to Thanksgiving. I had a great Thanksgiving, given the circumstances. I went down and spent some quality time with my mom, whom I hadn't seen since October. I also got to see a very good high school and college roommate, Angie, whom I hadn't seen or talked to since our high school reunion back in 2006. We met at McAlister's and I got to have some of that good ol' McAlister's sweet tea. Nothing beats a sweet tea from there! After seeing Angie, I drove over to Kodi and Trai's house and spent a Thanksgiving Friday night with them and their sweet little girl, Emmarie. Below is a picture of the two us after she dressed me up in her jewelry (and learned my name--I was Daniel for a little while!).

I had such a good time over at their house. Dinner was DELICIOUS, and we watched "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" once Emmarie went to bed. (How cute is this? Emmarie invited me to sleep over in her bed before Trai tucked her in.) That movie was funny! It was one I hadn't seen yet, and it was good. I don't know if I'll own it, but it's one I'd watch again for sure. Before I left that night, I made sure Trai took a picture of Kodi and me. Last time we were together up here, she got away without a picture--and we call ourselves scrapbookers?? This time, I got the picture! Kodi, I miss you!

I want leave with two pictures--both of Christmas trees. I now have two trees up in my house. The big one is in the living room and it the regular tree with Disney and other general ornaments hanging from it. This is the one that Todd put up and worked on. While he was doing that, I put up the second tree. I was inspired while I was in Springfield to put up a small tree in the kitchen. This tree would be decorated in nothing but red, silver, and black to match the kitchen, and I do say that I LOVE how this tree turned out! This are the end results: (sorry for bad photos--I was using the point-and-shoot and I don't know how to take quality photos with this camera, especially without the flash!)

Well, I need to go to bed now. I have a stack of papers to grade tomorrow that is about a foot high. Who knows how long that will take me? I want to finish before tomorrow night because I have a chance to see the KC Symphony and would love to see them for a Christmas show!

New day

Well, I know it's been a while since I've last posted and some of you are beginning to worry about me due to the last blog topic. Things haven't changed much--Todd's still at his parents and Soze and I are here at home. I have talked to Todd a few times and we even met for lunch yesterday to discuss "us". However, at this time, we are still moving forward with our separation. I know it is the best thing for me. We both made our own decisions and must live the consequences. Yes, I've had my good days and bad days. My emotions are definitely are on the rollercoaster path--up one day, down the next. Even though this is my blog and I can say whatever I want, I will say that I am trying my best to edit myself. I don't want Todd to be hurt by something I might say. Yes, I know, I am being nice. That's me! That's also the reason my blogs may be a little cryptic--I'm trying to say what I need to say without hurting anyone in the process.

On to a better topic--I went with some other teachers to see "Twilight" on Friday afternoon. Since I have read the book, or more appropriately, been obsessed with the book, I thought it was really good. Every time Edward was on the screen, my heart pitter-pattered in harmony with his stone heart. Even Jacob, whom I didn't really care for that much in the books, was FINE!! I am curious to see how his character is played in future movies. I will definitely be owning this movie, maybe not for the Oscar-winning performances, but for the eye candy!

Like my friend Kodi, I cannot believe Thanksgiving is here already! We go to school two days this week, then I am off to Springfield to spend some much-needed time with my mom. While I am down there, I am also having a homemade Thanksgiving at Kodi's house. Kodi, I am ready for that Paula Deen apple pie!

**Note: Soze does NOT like me on the computer right now. She is trying her hardest to get me to get out of the chair. She has even tried climbing in my lap for attention! She has de-gutted a mouse toy and wants to me to throw it in the air so she can catch it. Since she's old, her energy level never last very long--a few throws and she's done. I think she knows something is up and will not let me out of her sight. If I'm in the office, she's in the office. If I'm sitting on the couch, she's laying beside me on the couch. I love her for it!!!

I haven't taken pictures of much lately, so I'll close by saying that I plan on having pictures for my next blog after Thanksgiving.

Change...again

Do you remember me saying back in January that my new word for this year would be "change"? Well, my life is changing again. On Saturday, my world was turned upside down, and yesterday it was flipped inside out. There is just no easy way to say this, so I am just going to bite the big one and say it: Todd and I are getting a divorce. Divorce. This word is one that I never thought would enter my own vocabulary, yet here I am. I have no idea what I am going to do next. Will I be able to afford our brand new house? Will I move back to Springfield? I have no earthly idea. I told Todd I was not going to badmouth him all over town, and I guess that includes on here too. We both know what happened and there is nothing that can be done to take it back now.

Right now I am more saddened than anything. Not at me really, but at this whole situation. I know what I will be missing out on as a divorced woman. I'll miss having someone to go out to eat, go to a football game, watch movies, and when I think of all of the scrapbooks filled with memories, it saddens me even more. Todd was my best friend--not just my husband but my best friend. He was someone I could tell anything and everything to. What the hell happened? Whatever it was is gone. How did my life become this...this what I don't know. I'm sorry if it looks like I'm rambling. I probably am just to get all of this out there.

I have only cried twice really over this mess, which is very unusual for me. I am a crier. I cried once last night for about two minutes, letting myself dwell in the moment, then I was done. Then I cried this morning when I told my friend Lindsey at school. She couldn't believe that I was even at school today. I knew if I sat at home, I would think of nothing else all day long. At least at school, my kiddos take my mind off of the "real world".

I also slept pretty well last night, suprisingly. I didn't think I would, but maybe that's a sign that this is going to be okay. I will be fine. I will make it through whatever God has in store for me. Let me end by saying thank you for allowing me to get this off of my chest and out of my mind at least for the moment. It won't last forever, and I know that. I am not bitter. I am not hateful. I am just saddened and ready to move on with my life.

ETA: Okay, I lied. I think the shock is b.e.g.i.n.n.i.n.g. to wear off of what has become my life, and it is affecting me more than I knew. I just think that the finality of my decision to divorce is hitting me, not that our marriage hadn't already ended. It had. I have been so hurt, and maybe I was oblivious to what was happening right in front of me, but I do know I don't deserve this. Damn it! I don't deserve this!! What makes us do the things we do? While I can't answer that for Todd, I can answer part of it for me. I am doing this for myself. I will not live the rest of my life and marriage always wondering "what's going on?". I will not do that to myself. I am a much stronger and independent woman than I was when I married Todd at 20. I respect myself too much and I know I will learn so much more about myself as I go through this process. I am learning already that it will be a process. This is not something that I can flip on/off like a switch. My marriage is over. I am moving on for myself, not for anyone else.

One year ago...

On this date, one year ago, my life changed. My dad left this world to be with his Heavenly Father. This news bit me today as I was walking out of the school building. I hadn't even thought of today's date because I was at school all day long in a pull-out session for grading our common assessment. When I walked outside, I checked my watch and noticed the date read "6". November 6th...why does this date sound familiar? Then it hit me--my dad has been dead for a year. A YEAR?!? I still can't believe it has been this long, and I have done no scrapbooking yet about this event. I just can't bring myself to do it. I know I made my brother one for Christmas, but it was a gift to him. For some reason, I don't want to make one for me. I mean I do, I just don't want to. Does that make sense? I know the pictures are downstairs waiting for me, and I know I will do it eventually, but.... Needless to say, since I haven't scrapbooked this "stuff" yet, I have also put on hold any events that have taken place since then--no Thanksgiving of last year, Christmas, my birthday, whatever. To close, I'll add a picture of my dad that always makes me laugh. I know he's up in Heaven, fishing with Angie (my sister). Here's to you, Dad!